Tears Of Joy

When I was young, any time I thought about what the Savoir did for us on the cross, I would cry tears of pure joy.  I was genuinely sad that he suffered so much and sometimes, it was tears of sorrow for his pain.  Although it was over and done so many years ago, His dying on the cross touched my heart, and I so loved Him for it, that tears just welled up from the intensity of the feeling.  In those days, I loved those moments.  These were times, when actually feeling that intensity to the point of releasing it in tears, signified something wonderful happening in my soul.  Crying made me happy.  I always thought it was something God made to make me feel complete. Joy that brought tears was a wonderful mechanism, God given, that lifted my senses to great heights.

 Sometimes, in church, Pastor Hudson at Northside would say things that "blessed my heart." He used that phrase a lot. And I would have tears running down my face. It felt so good. I thought other people understood the joy and maybe felt it too. At home, when for years we had listened to Dr. Hudson on the radio, I had freedom to cry whenever I felt like it and never was concerned about it.  I felt free to be myself. I felt no need to change when I was able to attend the service. I would feel that we were kindred spirits, we agreed in our hearts as if the Spirit of God had shared the same exact thing with both of us. He understood how I felt. God understood how we felt. How cool was that?

I have since heard people call someone who cried easily, "tender-hearted." To me, that should be a sweet sentiment. It would indicate that one's heart was easily touched by the good and bad in life and a tender-hearted person would be sensitive to the needs and feelings of those around them. But it is used as a derogatory statement. However, for me, it has always been a call to prayer.  It was being a part of the "Pray without ceasing team." > notice someone is hurting, send up prayer believing, smile that God hears and answers prayer, go on with my day.<  An element of my Faith.

A preacher who once explained to me that my personality was one of "melancholy" went on to explain that it was a part of me that God wanted to fix. LOL So why did God make me a melancholy personality and then want to fix it? If He made me that way, then there was something good about it. What is wrong with me if I see a sunset, or the color of the sky, or a Bald Eagle flying, or the amazing colors of a bird, or the sweet smile of a baby and get so excited that I want to cry and sometimes do. I am only saying to the world: "Look how blessed I am!!! Does something this beautiful not make you want to rejoice?"

This morning I asked the Lord what he would have me say about Easter. When I sat down to reflect on my Savoir's great gift, I felt nothing. I am in that state right now anyway, because of Mother's death, and I am in general OK with it, unless my feelings come rushing back in and take over one day. I would rather not hurt. But I am not stuffing them, just numb and aware of it.  And healing. But, the thought crossed my mind, of how much I missed just thinking of my Savoir and being filled with joy to overflowing...the kind of joy that "blessed my heart" to tears. I remember the release, the pride, the acceptence, the security which being in that emotion brought... and I miss it terribly.

In the world of Grown-ups there is such an admonition to be "tough" that it is an extreme world. Why they even call it extreme, in sports. To make it through most days, toughness is all that will get you through, or so we are led to believe. I remember some hard days as a child, that once I had cried, going on with my day was a sinch. You skinned your knee...cried...acknowleged that it hurt like nothing you ever felt before...got up...and chanced doing it all over again, only wiser. DONE. What an easy life! But it got complicated as I got older.
When I was in Dr. Hudson's church, if I looked around, others were also crying. Even Dr. Hudson would frequently cry during his own messages. Ty Pennington and his crew come to mind. They seem to realize that the really good things in life leave you free to cry sometimes. But later when I was out on my own as a wife and parent, I discovered, my husband hated when I cried. He misread my tears for needing attention and lacking gumption. Besides, in any marriage tears often portray that you're hurt. So it became hard for him to tell the difference. Preacher's would sometimes come to me and tell me I needed to be in an altar when I cried. They misread my tears for guilt. And I learned really quickly not to show my feelings at work, or around female friends. They misread my tears for wanting pity. I saw my husband insist that my children not cry, even when he disciplined them. Tears were for sissies, he would say.
In fact, I found that most of the time, people misread us about other emotions as well. When I am quiet they think I am mad. When I cry they think I am weak.  When I am angry, they say I've lost my faith. WRONG. In short, most of my adult life, people had expectations of how I should act and react in every situation of life that was basically a lie as to who and what I actually am. I believe I do this to other people as well.

When Jesus saved me, and the Holy Spirit of God came into my heart, I was changed. Unless you've been there, it is difficult to explain the ease with which that happens. God transforms you, altars your thinking, and lifts your spirit to a newness. Things that felt broken inside become like new.  Fears flee. Inner strength and peace fill the void. That was a change I embraced. But changing as an adult to please people put me back to a place of feeling broken inside again.  Like I had become someone else. Like the cross was of no value.

One of the reasons my Savoir died the way he died, is because He too was misunderstood. People and devils wanted him to be something other than the Son of God. Think about it. Why do other people always want to change us? Why would anyone want Him to be anything but the Son of God? It is what we do to one another. And the cross was meant to kill that attitude.  What does that mean? It means that in the cross we are free, resurrected to be who God made us to be. Reborn as His child, not just made a human, but made a member of a Spiritual family. With value. Therefore, what I want this Easter is to refocus on the cross, the symbol of one who loved me enough to send a message that He wanted me just as I am. Total acceptance. I want God to renew my tender heart. To bring Joy back into my life, the way it was when I was a child.

(I don't think every child who cries does it from a tender heart or that it will benefit them. Whiney is significant of a child who does not cry a little and get on with life. There is a need somewhere. Also as an adult, feeling like crying all the time is not healthy. Generally, for me and for kids, it may mean a need for Food.  Low blood sugar attacks that make us cry and feel grumpy are not what I am talking about when I say spontaneous "tears of Joy.")

"Lord,
What I want for Easter is the "smiling so big that the tears falling down my face are rollin' into my mouth, and I can taste the salt" kind of "Bless Your Heart" happiness, that just seeing a cross used to bring to me. The "knowing you loved me THAT much" kind of Joy, which makes me feel like I'll explode if I can't show how happy I am. Some people shout, I cry. Thank you for that & Thank you for loving me soooo much."